Let’s be honest. A lot of us shut up about what really is interesting about movies. Superman Returns is a movie with eye-popping SFX, incredible visuals, and a decent story. However, none of it matters – all of it is filler for one single plot in this movie – Superbaby.
First off, let’s get it out of the way – this is the only storyline worth talking about, and it is the one storyline which was ignored the whole film long. Lois ‘Slut’ Lane was busy screwing both Superman and Richard White (Perry White’s son) and conceived a baby, just before Superman left to find his folks in space. How do we know this?
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Lois, most assuredly, gave birth to Superman’s baby. There is no doubt on this fact.
- Richard believes that the baby is his.
Unless he thought it was born “premature”, Lois was clearly sleeping with both within the same 2 weeks, possibly the same day. (This is not mentioned anywhere in the plot, and unless the baby was believed to be born 6 months premature, she would still be a slut to anyone except to the intended audience – twenty- and thirty-something losers who never will amount to anything. Besides, a 6 month premature baby would clearly be mentioned, as its survival would be a miracle). Now, whether this is a one-off or a recurring thing is unclear, but it seems clear that she was hiding both men from each other. Clark Kent clearly did not know Richard White (they said as much in the movie). This implies that Lois was screwing one, clearing him out, and then nailing the other. What a hussy! What a fantastic slut! She was cheating on Superman, Super f***ing man! And to make it worse, it was with the Boss’ rich nephew! To make it even worse, she has the gall to tell Richard (AKA: penis supply) that she never had anything with Superman – what gall!
Now you might think I will say it is immoral, and to be sure – it is. However, it is such a fantastic, unbelievable idea – she was cheating on Superman! Superman!!! What an incredible, awesome plot point! Sure, it might be morally bankrupt, but no one really thinks of American women as being bastions of moral fiber anyway. On the other hand, the potential for story-telling from this modern tale of romance is so lurid, I think it is fantastic. I mean, heck, just first off imagine what we could say about the Super-Sperm!
I wouldn’t be an honest man if I didn’t ask myself about this. How did Lois manage to convince both Superman and her hapless beta-boy Richard that she wasn’t sleeping with the other, after she produced the Superbaby? I don’t think Lois comes off as smart enough to be able to juggle both for a long time. Let us assume she banged Superman only once, because it becomes too sickening to contemplate if that hussy was trading sperm producers for much longer.
The film’s writer is ingenious and provides some clues as to how this happened. Lois clearly did not think her child was Superman’s until Lex Luthor started playing with Kryptonite in front of him. Superman was clearly shocked and angered at the idea of her having a child. She (until the climax, no pun intended, of the film) clearly did think it was Richard’s baby. This implies that she felt her fling with Superman could not have produced a baby. This implies several things.
- Superman was using birth control
- She did not feel that a one-time relationship (even so close to her child’s conception) could have produced a child.
- They were engaging in a form of sex that does not produce children
1 & 2 are easily discountable – Superman is SUPERMAN. This means that no mere mortal birth control device could keep his assimilating sperm from penetrating their flimsy plastic hide and impregnating Lois. As well, a one-time with Superman and his super-sperm is more than enough to produce a child, he is SUPERMAN. His Sperm would probably destroy Richard’s sperm in her womb and each one would survive to fight with each other to produce her child. Lois knew this better than anyone.
3 is the only possibility. It is only all to clear what this means.
Lois gave Richard front-side access, while Superman did his business in the back-door.
It is entirely sensible. As Lois is still alive (and had a baby), super-sperm is clearly not lethally corrosive. As such, it is unlikely she took it in the mouth and it dissolved its way through various systems until it reached her uterus. Anal is another matter. While many foolish people believe there is no chance of conceiving a child through anal sex, the truth is fluid can leak out of the anal cavities and into the vagina without the knowledge of either party. Superman is strong, but he is not brilliant, and Lois is a hussy so she probably doesn’t spend much time considering the implications of her behavior.
After an anal encounter, Superman’s alien sperm probably traversed the short distance between the anus and the vagina and reached her womb. This might have taken some time, but Superman is invulnerable, and it is safe to assume his alien sperm has some aspect of that to them. Instead of dying instantly on exposure to air, they probably could survive long enough to enter her vagina. (The resulting damage might explain why Superbaby was suffering from so many diseases) They proceeded to destroy Richard’s sperm with some form of heat beam, and fought each other until one rose triumphant and fertilized the desired egg. This solves several problems.
First: Richard didn’t feel how loose Lois got after accepting the Man of Steel’s member.
Second: It explains why Superman didn’t expect to have a child with Lois.
Of course, now we have a whole bunch of interesting future plots, beyond the conception issue. Just one pops out to me right now.
How will Lois explain to Richard when his son starts getting Super-powers?
An honest sequel story would do the following:
Richard’s life is saved by Superbaby and he realizes he has been duped. Lois confesses the truth, and in an showing of non-meterosexual 1950s male pride, Richard dumps the whore, and she runs crying to Superman. Superman realizes that Lois is unethical as a person, and that there are plenty of “unplowed fields” with non-cheating hearts attached to them. He leaves to “seed them”, so to speak, with his child in tow. Lois, being a spoilt manipulative woman who played with the affections of a rich millionare and Superman, dies a lonely and miserable death with no one to care for her. An acceptable fashion would be of some sort of mutation within Lex Luthor’s child, which she would be carrying at the time.
The actual sequel story will do the following:
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Richard realizes Superbaby has powers and accepts Lois’ arguments that her uncle was a Superpowered individual, and that as a result the baby inherited the genes.
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Richard is killed off, possibly as a Supervillain. Within an hour or two, Lois starts shacking up with Superman (and lives happily ever after)
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Richard finds out that Lois cheated on him, and does the “manly†thing of apologizing to her and presenting her to Superman because that is what American men should be ready to do for their womenfolk.
I love Superman Returns – It is layered with 21st century hippy hypocrisy. I look forward to seeing the sequel, because it will have even more. Remember, don’t hold people responsible for their actions and the pain it causes other people – you should be accepting, gracious, and remember that whenever a women is to blame, it really means it is the man’s fault.
-edit- In case anyone was wondering – the above was a joke. Keep sending me hate mail, but no need to threaten my family.
