I would like to take this opportunity to issue a warning to the population of Quebec. On March 26th, 2007 I will inflict a destructive act that any civilized person will refer to as terrorism of the worst degree. This craven, yet bold act will surely bring great suffering to the peoples of Quebec. In hopes of truly assimilating into this western society in which I was born, I have taken this opportunity to inform you of this upcoming act in the fashion of heroic (which is to say, US citizen-sponsored) terrorist organizations such as the IRA.
Before explaining this act of unparalleled brilliance and unseemly cunning, my motives should be laid bare. Though I was born and raised in Quebec, I cannot help but feel the recent debate about “reasonable accommodation” has been insulting to my heritage and beliefs. The idea that I must limit my public expression because it offends the selfish self-serving moral hypocrisy of the average Quebecer leaves me breathless and outraged. This circling of the wagons has left me feeling that there is no way for me to ever become accepted as a Canadian in Quebec. This is in spite of the fact that I vacation in Canada (give me Alberta and British Columbia over Florida any day!), and do all I can to promote this nation, my fatherland. You have betrayed me Quebec, and thus I shall see your destruction.
Some among you might fear for your lives; you have no need to do so. I shall not use a traditional method of inducing terror, such as suicide bombs or the kidnapping and killing of British nationals. I daresay, only a worthless coward serving a worthless cause would use death, or break the law, to further his efforts. No, my plan is so insidious and heartless that your army, your laws, and your police will all be incapable of stopping me.
On the 26th of March, in the year of your lord 2007, I shall enter a polling booth. Doubtless, you now feel certain shivers, knowing that in my hand I shall have a pencil and a voting card. There, my opera of evil shall reach its climax as I checkmark the name of the candidate of the Parti Quebecois on my ballot. This act of terror accomplished, I shall leave chuckling madly. Your defeat will then be complete, you who were once appropriately titled as “lower” Canada.
Perhaps you are confused now. This is to be expected of you – you are, after all, Quebecois(e) and probably caught up in a decedent attitude of self-indulgence, fed to you by a lowest-common-denominator press. Let me shed some light onto this topic for you, oh motherland-of-mine.
In the 1970s, Montreal was the greatest city in Canada. After the disastrous string of Quebec-nationalist leaders, it crashed and burned. The worst of those leaders were of the same mindset as the current Parti Quebecois – “sovereignists”, “unionists” and (supposed) “socialists”. They were parasites that sucked money into overly generous programs to help the indolent. They were demagogues who aided and abetted in sending the richest and brightest of our society streaming over the border to Ontario, the rest of Canada and the United States.
In the 1990s, Quebec stagnated during a time of great economic growth in the United States and Canada. Once again, it was the Parti Quebecois who was at the helm, dictating an agenda of separation and inward-looking madness.
Now, in 2007, I see the same tired destructive arguments from the 1970s being made by a proud former-cocaine addict. Despite the fact that in an era of budget surpluses, Quebec is in deficit – a state from which it never escaped, even in the supposedly-conservative government of Jean Charest. Despite the fact that we have the highest tax rates in all of North America. Despite our lack of productivity and a union-choked public service that is 99% “old stock Quebecois” (quite reasonably accommodating if I may say so myself!).
Some of the more clever ones among you might realize that the Liberal party is only marginally better. Only you will realize the true irony; that about 81.6% of Quebecois (those who bother to fill out a ballot card) are marching to my “Destroy Quebec” agenda. From a throne in my future home in British Columbia, I shall chuckle as you raise taxes; raise taxes so that unworthy parents can leave their children with strangers, raise taxes so that lazy unions can build more shoddy structures, raise taxes so you can keep playing pretend-nation, with your own “embassies” (without the actual function of an embassy)
Yes, Quebec, I won’t kill you. I simply won’t stop you from killing yourself.
A Proud Canadian, and a Liberal Membership Card-Carrying hypocrite,
- Jawaad
P.S. If it wasn’t clear to the fear-addled, this is greatly exaggerated and strictly tongue-in-cheek.
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